Edinburgh – Day One

It’s raining.  But then it is Scotland.  It was raining when we got here, it rained on us as we trapsed between gigs, & this morning, it’s still raining.  But then it is Scotland.

 

We’ve actually had an awesome first day, despite the gloom – two cool shows (audience size diminished by the rain, but certainly not un-entheused by it), a few leads for some more shows (if you happen to be a promoter up here, leon@spandexballet.com or chris@spandexballet.com – always keen!), & we met Norman Lovett!  Bonus.

 

As Leon writes this, we are sat in our pants in Doggett & Ephgrave’s digs, drinking coffee & discussing plans for the day, which bizarrely include the possibility of playing a kids’ show.  The riots may be here by the end of the day…

LEAKED: Government’s Draconian Anti-Looting Plans

looters1 LEAKED: Governments Draconian Anti Looting Plans

Edinburgh Dates

Hey gang

 

Here are our Edinburgh dates thus farl keep ‘em peeled to our Twitter account (SpandexBallet1) for updates.  If you fancy throwing a date our way, then e-mail leon@spandexballet.com or chris@spandexballet.com.

 

Ta!

 

sb Edinburgh Dates

New Wood Vs Evil Video

Our good chum Mark Garvey has collaberated with us once more!  Following up from his masterpiece, “There’s Nothing Sexy About Faeces“,  Mark has put together this fantastic video for our ode to Heather Mills, “Wood vs Evil“.

Enjoy.

Shocking Exclusive Picture From Syco HQ

The depths of the evil Simon Cowell Empire continue to shock Britain to it’s very core…

cowellmachine Shocking Exclusive Picture From Syco HQ

Gays To End The World in Five Days’ Time

harold camping Gays To End The World in Five Days TimeWe’ve not had a pop at a religious nutter for ages (not since this article a year ago, in fact), but a quick internet trawl has thrown up a man by the name of Harold Camping.

 

 

 

 

 

Gone Camping

Mr Camping is the president of the frankly scary-looking Family Radio Network, which is entirely funded by donations from followers.  They’re worth $120m.  I’ll just say that again – they have been donated $120m by REAL PEOPLE.  Have a little click on this link and witness in terror that (assuming you read this on the day it’s published) you only have five days left to live, as he claims the world will end on 21 May 2011.  That symbol, showing the year 2012 within a red, prohibitive UK road sign must be especially galling for those of you who have booked a holiday for next year.

 

Camping Statistics

So how did Harry come up with this extremely precise date?  Well, he added 722,500 days onto 01 April 33AD (his assumed date of Jesus’ crucifixion).  How did he come up with 722,500?  Well, he multiplied five, 10 and 17 together, because they’re holy numbers.  Twice.  Now I look at it, it’s obvious, really.

 

Carry On Camping

Fret not though, Harold Camping has predicted this sort of thing before and got it a bit wrong.  He was convinced that the world would end on September 27 1994.  And to be fair to him, it did, but only for anyone who died on that day, most notably former Colombian president Carlos Lleras Restrepo.  So he changed that prediction to September 29 1994.  When that failed to happen (for all except actor Tom Ewell, that is), he added on a few more days for good measure, and presumably sat in his basement with his fingers in his ears on 02 October 1994 (Harriet Nelson, gone but not forgotten), waiting for the sound of a pissed-off deity to wreak his revenge on a sinful world.  That he created in perfection, apparently.  Then, assuming he knew the game was up, Camping plucked 31 March 1995 out of the air, just so he could say “I told you so”, on the off-chance Jesus kicked off.  I didn’t even know she was dead, but apparently pop sensation Selena died that day.  Jesus didn’t kill her, mind.

 

Anti-Camp Camping

So what has all this got to do with homosexuals, we hear you all ask.  Well, among the list of things the inappropriately-named Camping believes is finally going to tip God over the edge are “All the stealing, and the lying, and the wickedness and the sexual perversion that is going on in society”.  But he reserves the hard judgment for the gay pride movement, citing that it is the clearest sign that The End Is Nigh.

But you know us; there’s always a punchline.  This link will take you to Harold’s literature on the subject.  Don’t bother reading it, because it’s bollocks.  The only bit you need to know is this – Harold believes that the gay pride movement was SENT BY GOD.  IT’S PART OF GOD’S PLAN.  GOD PLANNED THE GAY RIGHTS MOVEMENT.  IT’S IN HIS MASTERPLAN.  There are only so many ways the words “gay”, “rights”, “God’s” and “plan” can be strung together, but I’m sure you get the impression.

 

If either of our girlfriends read this, we’re doing it up the bum on Friday night.  Just in case we don’t get another chance.

A Quick Thank You…

Just wanted to say a massive thanks for all who came to our biggest gig yet; namely supporting Rich Hall at Mitch Benn’s Distraction Club. We had a blast, made some new fans, and basically didn’t want to go home. Big thanks to Mitch, Clara and the gang. Mwah.

Stay angry

SB

Things About Facebook Which Are Starting To Fuck Us Right Off

index Things About Facebook Which Are Starting To Fuck Us Right OffFacebook.  We won’t lie, we bloody love it, we do.  This half of SB has lost some of his twenties & all of his thirties to it.  It’s been used by the pair of us as a social tool, a way to keep in touch with fans, & yes, it even came in handy with regard to one of us ensnaring our significant other.  But recently, there’s been an awful lot of people losing their minds on here.  We’re confident anyone reading this will understand, so let’s start with -

 

1. People Who Regularly Set Their Profile Pictures To An Image That Isn’t Of Them

There’s nothing wrong with doing this once in a while; why, I myself once used a picture of Clarence Boddicker from RoboCop, replete with his friendly catchphrase, “Bitches leave”.  But guilty parties of this crime tend to fall into the following categories -

- Anime characters.  You don’t fucking look like that, alright?  You live in Rotherham in 2011, not Toyko in 3367.  Your hair couldn’t physically look like that if I spent the next nine days emptying my balls over it, & you’re not a fairy.

- Their young children.  For fuck’s sake, this one drives me crazy – these are probably the same people who ferverently believe that there are more paedophiles on the ‘net than there are people on the planet, & then they give this non-existent army of nonces an advert to their wank-fantasy-laden profile page.

- Themselves, but taking the pic themselves at arm’s length, holding the camera above their head. Oh, fuck off.

 

2. Over-Enthusiastic Link Sharers

Now, I’m not talking about people plugging gigs, services or podcasts etc – if so, we’d be in the dock along with everyone else.  No – it’s those fuckers who go on YouTube, feeling all nostalgic for the 80′s, & before you know it, your newsfeed is saturated with this tosser as he happily clicks “Share” every time he watches “Never Gonna Give You Up” et al.  My Progressive Rock fraternity are especially guilty for this; I log on sometimes to find my newsfeed filled up with approximately four days’ worth of music – & it’s usually bollocks.  Treat it like wanking, people – no more than twice a day, tops.

 

3. “Copy & Paste This To Your Status For One Hour If You Agree”

Urgh, the new “Your Leg Will Fall Off If You Don’t Share This With Five Friends” has reared its ugly head.  If you’re that bloody passionate about soldiers getting paid more than footballers, stop watching poxy football.  If you’re that concerned about cancer sufferers, donate some money to a cancer-centric charity.  Don’t clog up my fucking newsfeed with pointless gestures which do nothing except make you feel less culpable than the likes of me.  I’ve got news for you – Roy Castle would’ve died regardless of what anyone writes on the internet.  Unless it was 40 years ago, & it said, “Roy, if you keep playing those smoky bars, you’ll die, you know”.

 

4. The “Not-So-Subtle” Dig

Here are a few samples from some of my own friends’ list (the names have been removed to save embarrassment; mine, mostly);

“What more do you fucking want from me! You’ve wrecked my faith in men lost me the relationship i wanted so much, took my self respect and self esteem, fought me for kids so whats left? Nothing! Fuck off and leave me alone i will not let you be the reason for why i’m so low anymore!”

“U no wat im fed up of tryin 2 b summit om not if u dont like fuck off!!!! Im sick of it all the time! I dont need it on top of everythin else!”


As one of my heroes so often says, “You – that way.  You – that way; aftercare awaits”

 

5. Questions

The new Questions function on FB has to be the worst social networking mistake since Bebo.  My favourite one has to be the following; someone was thinking about clearing out a few friends on FB, & set up a question that read; “I’m thinking of deleting some friends soon.  Do you want to stay friends with me?”  Of course, this question spread to all of FB, not just this girl’s friends, & now everyone’s answering it for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  The originator of the question almost certainly doesn’t know you, & given that you’re clearly an idiot, she’d delete you even if you were friends.  Because we’re no strangers to irony, we set up our own question – please view & answer it here.

 

6. & Just One More Quick One –

Fred Bloggs wonders if anyone would like to help him move house next week?  He’ll get the beers in…

Jo Smith Hi Fred, how are you?

 

There is such a thing as A FUCKING WALL.  USE IT.

 

That should keep you going for now; feel free to add some of your own most-hated Facebook-isms below…

SB Join RICH HALL at The Distraction Club!

So, please excuse us, because we’re pretty fucking excited right now. In fact we haven’t had a collective stiffy this hard since Bernard Manning died. But it is with IMMENSE pleasure that Spandex Ballet can proudly announce that we will be joining Rich Hall and a host of other amazing acts at Mitch Benn’s new club The Distraction Club.

RichHall 150x150 SB Join RICH HALL at The Distraction Club!We’re pretty god damn thrilled by this and we’d love your support, so here’s what you need to do: 1) Look in your diary. 2) Turn to the page that has TUESDAY 3rd MAY on it. 3) Scribble out anything that is written there and write “go to see Spandex Ballet at The Distraction Club in London.” 4) Book some tickets by clicking on this little linky here.

That’s it. You’re in. Now you can enjoy us in being stupidly excited. Hurrah!! Cheers to everyone for their support – and we hope to see you all down there for a right ol’ knees up.

Also, if you haven’t yet checked out Mitch Benn’s Comedy Podcast (which was how we ended up on this great bill – please do check it out. Head over to www.mitchbenn.com now and download it – it’s free!)

The Sun Also Goes Fucking Mental

Following on from our blog this week with regards to The Daily Mail running a story about a house that looks like Hitler, The Sun have jumped on the bandwagon, & devoted space to a piece on some cats that look like Hitler.  I’ll just say that again – a national newspaper have run a story on CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER.  “Heil Kitler” has to be my favourite pun here.  Fuck knows what’s next for the Hitler lookalikes (cars?  Planets?), but we’ll try our hardest to bring them to you.

screen capture 1 The Sun Also Goes Fucking Mental

 

Oh – there’s been some trouble in Libya too, or something.  But – look at the cats!