Archive for SB Musings

The Sun Also Goes Fucking Mental

Following on from our blog this week with regards to The Daily Mail running a story about a house that looks like Hitler, The Sun have jumped on the bandwagon, & devoted space to a piece on some cats that look like Hitler.  I’ll just say that again – a national newspaper have run a story on CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER.  “Heil Kitler” has to be my favourite pun here.  Fuck knows what’s next for the Hitler lookalikes (cars?  Planets?), but we’ll try our hardest to bring them to you.

screen capture 1 The Sun Also Goes Fucking Mental

 

Oh – there’s been some trouble in Libya too, or something.  But – look at the cats!

Daily Mail Finally Go Completely Fucking Mental.

It had to happen at some point.

The underlying fascist atmosphere at the Daily Mail’s newsroom that’s been travelling, osmosis-like, through the increasingly thick skins of their editorial team has finally sent them completely batshit mental, and they’ve run a news story about a HOUSE that looks like HITLER.

hitlerhouse Daily Mail Finally Go Completely Fucking Mental.

As I’m sure the more sensible, and less haggard-from-years-of-writing-complete-fucking-tripe amongst you will notice, It’s simply a house. Granted it has a wonky roof, but you have to ask yourself whether reporters at the DM need some kind of psychiatric help before they start carrying out random attacks on black people and jews, screaming at the police at their subsequent arrest “THE HITLER HOUSE TOLD ME TO DO IT”.

Cunts.

The Day The Music Died (Phil Collins Only Slightly To Blame)

Progressive Rock.

Those of you still reading might be surprised to know that the bespectacled half of Spandex Ballet LOVES Progressive Rock – so much so, he even drums for definitely-not-dad-rock proggers, Tinyfish. This blog is intended to explain to you where – in Leon’s opinion, it all started going wrong for Prog.

Genesis – Not Always A Bag Of Rotting Shit

Many of you may not know this, but in the 1970′s, Genesis were one of the leading bands in the genre. Fronted back then by a fresh-faced (& frankly bonkers) Peter Gabriel (& worryingly founded as schoolboys by kiddie-fiddler denialist, Jonathan King), they were genuinely a forward-thinking group. In 1975, Gabriel quit, & it was decided (by all except Phil, or so he says) that Collins should replace him as frontman.

1976 – Genesis Fuck It All Up

Under Phil’s reluctant leadership, Genesis made two cracking albums in 1976 – A Trick Of The Tail, & Wind & Wuthering. However, on the latter album, there is a song called Your Own Special Way. So awful is this piece of music, that Leon felt compelled to critique it, & so popped round to the house of The Amazing Wilf (labelled the John Peel of Prog by the community), for a frank chat about this genre-murdering song.  Many people blame Punk for the death of Prog. They are wrong – it’s this song.

Listen to Leon’s considered analysis of YOSW here.

Ted Williams & That Voice

“When you’re listening to nothing but the best of oldies, you’re listening to Magic 98.9!”

It’s hard to believe that it was only a week ago that Ted Williams, a New York-raised beggar, was filmed by a journalist looking for nothing more than to acquire some filler for a dead news day. The film, taken in Columbus OH, captured Williams panhandling at the side of the road, using a rich, buttery, golden baritone to impress passing motorists in exchange for a dollar, and then a brief (not to mention touching and articulate) interview afterwards. Whilst it’s apparent from his appearance that Ted has succumbed to years of drug and alcohol abuse, his humble and poignant admissions of a life gone wrong moved this member of Spandex Ballet to tears.

Ted Williams Golden Radio Voice Ted Williams & That Voice

Well then, blow me down if 24 hours later, I didn’t have tears in my eyes for a totally different reason – Ted was Big News. The video went viral, acquiring 4 million hits overnight, and Ted was getting offers of work, the likes of which most of us can only dream about. Among the bigger of the offers was a two-year deal (including a mortgage paid on a house) announcing for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

This is all relatively old news now, and you might wonder why we’re reporting on it so late. Well, it’s about the backlash. There hasn’t been a massive backlash, as yet. But there have been lots of comments on the internet (usually from people brave enough to slag Ted off, but not brave enough to print their names) along the lines of, “I’m a hardworking American and I’m poor. This guy’s a beggar with a history of crime, he doesn’t deserve this (with heavy undertones of, ‘but I do’)”. Well, let’s discuss this –

Homelessness shouldn’t happen in fully-developed countries. It’s as simple as that. But it does, and short of getting the government to house the poor (and that simply isn’t going to happen), there are really only two options; we leave them on the street (to continue begging/stealing/insert crime here), or we rehabilitate them, using any existing skills they may have.

Ted Williams stood on the side of that road for a year, holding his sign proclaiming his god-given talent. A full year. And in all that time, all he ever wanted was a job. He didn’t want fame, or riches – he just wanted to contribute to society, and have a second chance. Contrary to the old adage, I don’t believe that everybody deserves a second chance. But most people do, and Ted is certainly one of them. He got himself clean with no real motivation to do so, and wants to do the best for himself and his family, who he clearly loves.

But it’s not about his motives, it’s about the amount of money he’s about to make. If Ted Williams was holding a sign saying, “I have the god-given gift of being able to drive a bus”, and a man came along and said, “I run a bus company, come and drive my buses for me, you genius bus-driving man”, everybody in the universe would be patting Ted on the back. “Go on, Ted! Drive that bus with pride!” But because he will now make potentially millions of dollars, this has pissed people off a bit. You can’t have it both ways, folks. “You lazy bum, go and get a job! But one that pays less than I make!”

Mr Williams, I salute you. Now, don’t make me look like a twat – stay clean, and keep working. Oh – & The Daily Mail, who ran this article about Ted’s “sordid” past, Spandex Ballet’s message to you, is the same as always – fuck off.

Ah, Eric Pickle’s In A Right… Erm… State?

Now far be it from SB to laugh at other people’s misfortune, but in this case, it’s a Tory MP, so fuck it.

Some childish (and yet brilliant) people have vandalised Eric Pickle’s Wikipedia Page, and changed the opening paragraph to the following:

pickles Ah, Eric Pickle’s In A Right… Erm… State?“Pickles was appointed Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government of the coalition government headed by Prime Minister David Cameron on 12 May 2010. He is currently the only MP to have more than six chins, following the retirement of John Prescott.”

I think however that we do have to jump to Mr. Pickle’s defence here. The picture on the left clearly shows that Eric does NOT have six chins, as the hackers have alleged. He has two. One small and one massive.

It is SB’s assumption that the larger one is the one that yields all of Pickle’s power, and that when waved about it disgust at the thought of his page being hacked, is capable of creating an Earthquake, Tsunami, or gale-force winds. Nice one, hackers. Now we’re all doomed.

Read more here.

Buy Yourself An iPhone 4? You Selfish Bastard

In the quest to find something to blog about today (yes, work’s quiet for the half of SB without a proper job this month), I’ve been trawling some truly horrible websites this afternoon, including the British National Party (blog on this probably forthcoming soon), the Christian Party (still right-wing mentalists), & finally, The Daily Mail – specifically, Richard Littlejohn’s column.  It was here that I found this delightful column about iPhones and the financial downturn.  In it, he claims that if we, the general public, are happy to go out & spend £400-500 on a new iPhone 4, then we shouldn’t whinge about increased taxes to help pay for the National Debt.

Spandex Ballet: iPhone friendly, But Not Employed By Steve Jobs

Both members of SB are Apple whores.  We are Steve Jobs’ little songwriter bitches. I’m writing this blog on my (admittedly ageing) iBook G4.  I have an iPhone 3GS that I honestly couldn’t live without, an 80GB iPod (also on its way to silicon heaven), & an iSight that I don’t know how to use.  It looks nice.  Chris has even more than I do.  We don’t own these items because we’re trendy wankers (or, at least, we are not trendy), we own them because they are the best devices in their relative fields, & wanting the best for oneself is a Good Thing, not a Bad Thing.

Littlejohn: Closet Communist? iPhone phobic? Complete Aching Shitbox?

littlejohn Buy Yourself An iPhone 4?  You Selfish BastardThe general thrust of Richard Littlejohn’s article appears to be, “If you can afford luxuries, you can pay more tax”.  Here’s a quote -

Surely anyone who can afford £500 for a non-essential gadget can’t complain too much about having to pay a little more tax to get the country out of a financial black hole.”

I could wax lyrical here, claiming (among other things), that I don’t consider an iPhone non-essential (especially when you’re self-employed & constantly on the road), or that spending said money helps the economy, or that buying cheaper products is ultimately a false economy.  But I won’t.  Instead, I’ll say the following -

WHAT I DO WITH MY OWN MONEY IS MY OWN BUSINESS, YOU HORRIBLE MAN.  I EARN APPROXIMATELY FUCK-ALL, & STILL PAY TAX, SO THAT IDIOTS I DIDN’T VOTE FOR CAN BAIL FAILING BUSINESSES I DON’T USE OUT IN ORDER FOR SAID FAILING BUSINESSES TO AWARD LUDICROUS BONUSES TO THE VERY MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR SAID FUCK-UPS!  IF I ACCIDENTALLY FLUSH MY IPHONE DOWN THE TOILET, I DON’T MAKE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY HAVE A WHIP-ROUND TO BUY ME A NEW ONE, DO I?  THE TOP MAN AT HBOS CAN PROBABLY SHIT IPHONES OUT OF HIS ARSE ON CUE.  STEPHEN HESTER, HIS NAME IS.  HE’S GETTING £4.2M THIS YEAR – THAT’S HIS FUCKING PAY PACKET!  BY MY MATHS, THAT’S 8,400 IPHONES HE CAN BUY!  CUNT!

…and breathe…

William Hague Gay? On The Evidence, He’s Not The Only One…

Having not been keeping up to date with the news of late (mostly because neither of us are die-hard cricket fans), this half of SB managed to catch the tail-end of Newsnight last night, whereupon I stumbled upon this incredible story that William Hague might be gay.  Indeed, the speculation has been so rife, that his adviser/alleged lover, Christopher Myers, has resigned, & Hague himself has felt it necessary to publish a humiliating statement with regard to why he & Ffion remain childless after over a decade married.

William Hague a Homosexual Gay?  Let’s Check The Hearsay (Or “Facts”, As The Media Put It)

The “evidence” for this homosexual activity appears to be based on three points -

  • Myers is young, handsome & apparently under-qualified
  • Hague & Myers share a hotel room occasionally (keeping expenses down, one might argue)
  • The below picture

hague39911 450x270 William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

Tenuous proof at best; indeed, if one is using a picture to prove Hague’s homosexuality, we’d suggest this one -

haguecamp William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

And if this is all the proof you need, then the following people are all gay, too -

blair William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

brown William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

thatcher William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

cameron cocks William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

baracksogay William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

jinnah and gandhi 400 1 William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

hitler William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

arafat saddam hussein 1 William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

gay William Hague Gay?  On The Evidence, Hes Not The Only One...

Bumlords, one & all…

Paris Hilton Tweets About Break-In… English Language Dies a Little More

Paris Hilton has been the talk of twitter for a number of reasons (yawn) but this evening, one tweet from her that caught the eye of the media, also caught that of SB.

parishiton Paris Hilton Tweets About Break In... English Language Dies a Little MoreThe night-vision-friendly “actress” reported that a maniac was trying to get into her house. According to US news sources,  a man was arrested after allegedly trying to break into Hilton’s LA home on Tuesday morning. Everyone’s favourite socialite told her Twitter followers “So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him,” (Source: TMZ.)

With the bombshell of such lunatics loose on the streets of America, baying for blonde blood, SB has this advice for Ms. Hilton:

“IT’S KNIVES. K-N-I-V-E-S. IT’S PRETTY FUCKING SIMPLE, PARIS: KNIFE IS SINGULAR. KNIVES IS THE PLURAL. ALSO, WHY THE CAPITAL ON SCARY? AND ALSO, YOU GET WOKEN UP BY SOMEONE, NOT TO THEM. FUCKING HELL WOMAN, YOU IRRITATE ME TO THE POINT OF BLINDNESS.”

Sleep tight.

Just Why Did That Woman Throw That Cat In That Wheelie Bin?

The cat-loving world (or “women”, as they are better-known) is up in arms at the moment, due to seemingly unbelievable footage of a woman throwing a cat in a wheelie bin in Coventry, last Saturday. No one seems to know why the women threw the cat in the bin, but the fact remains: A woman threw a cat in a bin.

Cats Are People Too…

Time to come clean here; this half of SB is not a cat lover.  Not at all.  However, nor am I a fan of pointless cruelty to animals, so whilst I’m more comfortable writing an article on a comedy blog about a cat being stuck in a wheelie bin (as opposed to, say, a lemur, an animal I love), I do not condone the actions of this mystery woman (although she bears a mild resemblance to “that bigoted woman”, Gillian Duffy).  Just thought I’d make that clear before the hate mail starts.

Felis Catus: Nature’s BTK? Maybe, But No One Put Him in a Bin…

Have a look at some of the comments on that link of the CCTV footage – they show a surprising lack of sympathy for the cat. Maybe we are uncovering two seething undercurrents of British culture: Those who think it’s abhorrent to put a cat in wheelie bin, and those who think cats deserve to be put in wheelie bins. (For the record, despite our mixed views on cats – neither half of SB is in the latter camp.) Here’s what people had to say:

Shane of Sydney Posted at 9:27 AM August 24, 2010

Maybe your cat is a massive pain in the arse to your neighbors and you need to control it.

ST BENNY of work Posted at 9:41 AM August 24, 2010

hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa thats funny

Rub The Owners Nose In It of My Territory NOT Yours Posted at 9:57 AM August 24, 2010

No excuse for cruelty (besides a swift kick up the bum) but FFS keep your stinkin cats under your control and not out roaming the neighbourhood killing wildlife etc and shittin in other peoples gardens. Why should others be forced to clean up after YOUR stinkin animals!!!

I think people might be missing the point here a bit; it is in a cat’s nature to piss & shit where it pleases, & also to kill animals (ironically, it will do so in a cruel manner, toying with it).  Despite what my misanthropic Mother says, it’s not in our nature to put a cat in solitary confinement.  Two wrongs don’t make a right (although we did hang Saddam Hussein, so maybe they do).

Cat In a Bin Motive: Monetary? Marketing Scheme?

Bill Hicks used to say to his audience, “By the way, if there is anyone here in Marketing & Advertising – kill yourself”.  & having done a few minutes’ lazy online research, what did I find?

So maybe we’ve just been indoctrinated by the media to be cruel to cats.

I Smell a Rat (…a Cat Would’ve Caught it Had it Not Been Stuck in a Bin.)

chrismorris1 Just Why Did That Woman Throw That Cat In That Wheelie Bin?But you know us at Spandex Towers; there’s always a bigger picture.  Have another look at that CCTV footage.  How crystal-clear is that footage?  Whenever you watch Crimewatch, the footage of any in-store CCTV is shite!  Grey, grainy images that can only suggest that the robber has no facial features whatsoever.  The guy who owns the cat repairs mobile phones for a living, & lives in Coventry.  He’s not a rock star, or a foreign dignitary – who needs CCTV this detailed in Warwickshire?  Also, he obviously films 24 hours a day.  Basically, I smell Chris Morris, or possibly Dom Joly.

One more thing, then I’ll let you go.  I typed “Coventry News” into Google today, & this page came up.  The cat story is first AND third billing.  A stabbing, an escaped killer & a superbly ironic piece on a Fraud Officer being done for, er, fraud are all playing second fiddle to the cat.  Priorities.

I’ll leave it at that.

X Factor Autotune Update

Yesterday, SB posted about whether the people behind TV show The X-Factor had used autotune on contestants, thus making the point of the programme roughly zilch. Well we can now confirm that the people at ITV have responded…

In short: Yes, they fucking did.

The evidence can be found in two places; one is to follow this link (or just Google it, pretty much every paper’s covered it) and read how the X Factor has attempted to justify adding autotune to competitors to tweak their voices.

Or you could just watch this – either Gamu Nhengu is autotuned, or Terminator has taken a different form to that which we expected.

Angry.  Angry.  I am angry.

cowell X Factor Autotune Update