An Open Letter To East Coast Trains…

To Whom it May Concern,

This morning, we have woken up to the news that train fares in the UK could go up by another eight percent. This, on top of our recent experience travelling in one of your sorry excuses for a ‘train’ to the Edinburgh festival, has led us to write to you.

Some of this letter was written on a laptop as we sat aboard your train from Edinburgh to Stevenage after a wonderful week entertaining people at the Scottish Capital’s comedy festival. You may be wondering why we felt the need to act with such haste – typing the letter of complaint whilst still on the train itself seems a rather knee-jerk reaction when these things should often be considered with the benefit of hindsight. But in truth, there are two main reasons for starting the letter on the train itself: 1) We wanted to at least begin writing this while still angry enough about our experience with you to express it with an appropriate level of profanity and 2) because we fear that by the end of our journey we may be suffering from frostbite, and subsequently lose the use of our fingers, due to the ridiculous temperature of the carriage we are sitting on. This carriage is absolutely fucking freezing. The air conditioning unit has gone mental. I mean, who have you got operating the thing? Have you outsourced your “Carriage Temperature Control Officer” post to Siberia? Neither of us are sure we can remember the last time we felt this cold. And we’ve just spent a week in SCOTLAND.

The only logical explanation as to why your train back from Edinburgh was so stupidly fucking cold this afternoon is that your company were trying to some how compensate for the temperature of the train we had to sit on for 5 hours all the way UP to Edinburgh last Wednesday. Which brings us neatly to the second part of our complaint: Last Wednesday, your train was more akin to a Sauna in downtown Baghdad than a train. It was stupidly hot. By the time we reached Edinburgh, we were sweating like the Store manager at the grand opening of Hackney’s flagship ‘Nike Trainers, Jewellery, Xbox and Flatscreen TV Emporium‘.

So there you go. That’s why we’re pissed off with you: Because you attempted to cook us on the way up to the Edinburgh festival, and then seemed hell bent, on the way home, to cryogenically freeze us. How difficult is it to make sure the temperature of your trains is NORMAL?! And if something HAS gone wrong (we know that sometimes thing do go wrong – just watch some of our shows from this week) why on earth weren’t your staff on hand to give out free water / ice when it was too hot and hot drinks / blankets when it was too cold? Instead of helping, the staff on our trains just seemed more interested in taking the “well at least you don’t have to work here” line. Which, while I’m sure a valid point, didn’t really take the edge off of our irritation. For a start – at least they were getting PAID for being on the fucking thing, instead of being wallet-raped for the privilege.

Which brings us ever so nicely to point three: YOU ARE GUILTY OF BUGGERING THE NATION UP IT’S COLLECTIVE BUMHOLE FOR YEARS. The fact that you are even CONSIDERING putting your prices up AGAIN is like threatening to stop using lube and try out that brand new spiky cock-ring David Cameron bought you for Christmas. The majority of the country cannot afford to pay the ludicrous prices you charge them to get to work, to get to university (not that anyone can afford that anymore anyway but that’s another point entirely) or to get to London to go shopping (or looting, or whatever the craze is these days), WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RECESSION, YOUR GOVERNMENT-RUN COMPANY MADE £1.2 MILLION PROFIT LAST YEAR, AND YOU WANT TO CHARGE US ANOTHER EIGHT PERCENT? HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT MENTAL WITH GREED?

So while I stock up on Lemsip and tissues to deal with the impending cold, the blame for which I will lay squarely at your door, I urge you to reconsider putting up your fares, stop treating this country like a bunch of total mugs, and start providing a public transport service that gets people from a to b without leaving them waddling down the platform assessing the corporate damage done to their anus.

Yours safe in the knowledge this will be ignored.

Spandex Ballet


  1. Joe Ferris says:

    Wonderful! Eloquently expressed with the use of some high impact imagery. I almost feel like I should be doing more myself to ensure that travelling filthy mouthed performers are protected from unsatisfactory temperatures.

    We’ll form some kind of union and occupy a kiosk!

  2. The Freak says:

    You made your choice!

  3. [...] they’ve received a terrible service. And as we’ve already appealed for you to do in a previous letter – STOP TREATING THE COUNTRY LIKE [...]

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