Facebook. We won’t lie, we bloody love it, we do. This half of SB has lost some of his twenties & all of his thirties to it. It’s been used by the pair of us as a social tool, a way to keep in touch with fans, & yes, it even came in handy with regard to one of us ensnaring our significant other. But recently, there’s been an awful lot of people losing their minds on here. We’re confident anyone reading this will understand, so let’s start with -
1. People Who Regularly Set Their Profile Pictures To An Image That Isn’t Of Them
There’s nothing wrong with doing this once in a while; why, I myself once used a picture of Clarence Boddicker from RoboCop, replete with his friendly catchphrase, “Bitches leave”. But guilty parties of this crime tend to fall into the following categories -
- Anime characters. You don’t fucking look like that, alright? You live in Rotherham in 2011, not Toyko in 3367. Your hair couldn’t physically look like that if I spent the next nine days emptying my balls over it, & you’re not a fairy.
- Their young children. For fuck’s sake, this one drives me crazy – these are probably the same people who ferverently believe that there are more paedophiles on the ‘net than there are people on the planet, & then they give this non-existent army of nonces an advert to their wank-fantasy-laden profile page.
- Themselves, but taking the pic themselves at arm’s length, holding the camera above their head. Oh, fuck off.
2. Over-Enthusiastic Link Sharers
Now, I’m not talking about people plugging gigs, services or podcasts etc – if so, we’d be in the dock along with everyone else. No – it’s those fuckers who go on YouTube, feeling all nostalgic for the 80′s, & before you know it, your newsfeed is saturated with this tosser as he happily clicks “Share” every time he watches “Never Gonna Give You Up” et al. My Progressive Rock fraternity are especially guilty for this; I log on sometimes to find my newsfeed filled up with approximately four days’ worth of music – & it’s usually bollocks. Treat it like wanking, people – no more than twice a day, tops.
3. “Copy & Paste This To Your Status For One Hour If You Agree”
Urgh, the new “Your Leg Will Fall Off If You Don’t Share This With Five Friends” has reared its ugly head. If you’re that bloody passionate about soldiers getting paid more than footballers, stop watching poxy football. If you’re that concerned about cancer sufferers, donate some money to a cancer-centric charity. Don’t clog up my fucking newsfeed with pointless gestures which do nothing except make you feel less culpable than the likes of me. I’ve got news for you – Roy Castle would’ve died regardless of what anyone writes on the internet. Unless it was 40 years ago, & it said, “Roy, if you keep playing those smoky bars, you’ll die, you know”.
4. The “Not-So-Subtle” Dig
Here are a few samples from some of my own friends’ list (the names have been removed to save embarrassment; mine, mostly);
“What more do you fucking want from me! You’ve wrecked my faith in men lost me the relationship i wanted so much, took my self respect and self esteem, fought me for kids so whats left? Nothing! Fuck off and leave me alone i will not let you be the reason for why i’m so low anymore!”
“U no wat im fed up of tryin 2 b summit om not if u dont like fuck off!!!! Im sick of it all the time! I dont need it on top of everythin else!”
As one of my heroes so often says, “You – that way. You – that way; aftercare awaits”
The new Questions function on FB has to be the worst social networking mistake since Bebo. My favourite one has to be the following; someone was thinking about clearing out a few friends on FB, & set up a question that read; “I’m thinking of deleting some friends soon. Do you want to stay friends with me?” Of course, this question spread to all of FB, not just this girl’s friends, & now everyone’s answering it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The originator of the question almost certainly doesn’t know you, & given that you’re clearly an idiot, she’d delete you even if you were friends. Because we’re no strangers to irony, we set up our own question – please view & answer it here.
6. & Just One More Quick One –
Fred Bloggs wonders if anyone would like to help him move house next week? He’ll get the beers in…
Jo Smith Hi Fred, how are you?
There is such a thing as A FUCKING WALL. USE IT.
That should keep you going for now; feel free to add some of your own most-hated Facebook-isms below…