Updated from an earlier blog by Chris…
Cameron: Come in.
Aide: Dave, have you seen the…
Cameron: Yeah, I’ve fucking seen it. Why is Lardner such a dick? Why is my party full of such DICKS?
Aide: Sir, we tried to tell him to…
Cameron: I don’t fucking care, you slimey little tit! Why the fuck was he TALKING?
Aide: I… I don’t know.
Cameron: Did Lardner get the memo? In fact has Grayling even got the memo yet, after his little ‘oops I forgot what was sensible and opened my shitting gob again’ incident?
Aide: The memo?
Cameron: YES the fucking memo! The memo about…
*searches in desk drawer and finds dogeared A4 sheet*
THIS memo! Ahem.
*reads from crumpled paper*
“Hello Bellends. I don’t know whether any of you have fucking noticed but we’re trying to win a fucking election, here. How many times have I told you guys to keep your fucking mouths closed?! It’s not fucking rocket science is it? It’s not even stem cell research! It’s common fucking sense! ALL TORIES HAVE VIEWS THAT ARE OUT OF LINE WITH COMMON OPINION IN THE 21st CENTURY AND ITS BEST FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED IF WE STOP TALKING. I hereby order every single one of you motherfuckers to shut the hell up until I’m in number 10, alright?! Cheers, and fuck off back to work you useless shower of aching cockholes. Dave.”
Aide: Oh yeah, that memo.
Cameron: *pinches top of nose* I mean, what is it with you lot? “ooh, we don’t like sitting in standard class with the smelly normal people – single mums might give me AIDS”, “ooh, people should be ABLE to turn poofs away from their B&B if they want to, but I support people’s rights” And NOW we’re being quoted saying benders aren’t NORMAL! WHERE DOES ALL THIS SHIT COME FROM?! DO YOU TAKE A MONTHLY FUCKING VOTE ON WAYS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CUNT? *throws memo at the aide’s face* Now, I want you to photocopy this shit, Steve, and I want you to post it into the gobs of every Tory MP, front OR back bench, every party member, every person who has ever even considered being a Tory. And you are to tell them that they are not to remove the paper from plugging the ugly fucking hole that adorns the the front of their gormless fucking faces until I am Prime Minister. Do you understand?!
Cameron: Erm, pardon?
Cameron: Well if you have understood me, where the fuck is yours?
*Aide stuffs paper into mouth and leaves.*